Ice Cream

From Spring 2011

This post isn't really about ice cream. The weather has given a break for a few days. Warm enough to be outside without snowsuits, hike without sleds and make the kids ask if we can go swimming in the lake (I said "no", it really isn't that warm). We got some good work done on the outside of the house and we celebrated with ICE CREAM! We love Strickland's.

Last night, in our sleep deprived state, David and I took the kids up to Cleveland to participate in much anticipated Girl's Craft Night and Boy's Game Night at our church. We had a good time in many ways. At Girl's Craft Night the three girls and I found a table, set about trying to make some friends, went to find the restrooms while waiting for the activities to begin. I watched Jan attempt to make some friends, watched her watch girls play together, run across the church screaming each other's names and end up in a bear hug and squealing, jumping up and down, reveling in the pleasure of each other's company. I watched her hopeful smile become fixed and fake, her shoulders slump. Tears welled in my eyes. It has been a discouraging five years in terms of relationships, especially for Jan. I think that she notices it more than anyone else because she is so relational and because she is older than the other kids.

My first clue should have been that first summer we lived here. I signed Jan up for the ballet class for 4 year olds at the community center near our house. As the little girls would file into class she would sit there, hopeful that someone would want to sit by her. When someone did she was so happy! And then, the child's mother would intervene. "Oh, honey, don't sit there, come sit by YOUR FRIEND!" And she would bodily pick her child up and move her over to sit with HER FRIEND. After watching this for a few months we stopped going to ballet.

I used to think that maybe it was her imagination. That she was too sensitive. That it was just a particular group of kids. But I have come to realize that it isn't that at all. Somehow the children here have no room for an outsider. I have observed it in churches, in Sunday School, at neighborhood gatherings, at homeschool gatherings, at Friday co-op. Sometimes it is a thoughtless accident. Sometimes my kids are left out because other kids just don't realize, or notice them. I don't mind that so much. But too often it is a deliberate and purposeful act. Not just ignoring the "outsider" but picking on them and putting pressure on your friends to not sit by them or associate with them. I used to think it was because we were new. Well, we aren't new anymore. I wondered if it was our fault. I have carefully observed and come to know that it isn't. The other kids already have friends, and don't want new ones. No room at the inn. They are not encouraged by their parents to make new friends, just encouraged to be with the ones they already have.

I hurt for Jan last night, because I can't fix it for her. Ice cream doesn't even help anymore :)

We talk about what we can learn from this, and I hope that we never forget the lesson. I hope that we can be good friends to people who need it, not overlook people because they are outside our circle, reach out to people we aren't friends with YET. Maybe someday we can drive into church and somebody will smile and wave back at her. Maybe even yell her name and give her a hug! I am hopeful.